From Generational Trauma to Sober Motherhood: Breaking the Cycle w/Britney McCormick

In this powerful episode of Confident Sober Women, host Shelby interviews Britney, a mother of three who transformed her life through sobriety. Britney shares her journey from growing up in a family affected by addiction to finding freedom in long-term recovery.

Key topics include:

• Breaking generational cycles of addiction
• Parenting strategies in sobriety
• Creating healthy boundaries with children
• Emotional growth in long-term recovery
• Building sober community through events

Britney opens up about how childhood trauma led to early alcohol use as a coping mechanism. She describes her transition to sober parenting and the profound impact it's had on her family.

The conversation explores how sobriety has allowed Britney to be more present and patient as a mother. She shares insights on setting healthy boundaries, having difficult conversations with kids, and modeling positive behaviors.

Shelby and Britney discuss the challenges of navigating social situations and friendships in sobriety. Britney reveals how she's built a supportive sober community through her event planning business, Sober Sisters Events.

This episode offers hope and practical advice for women in recovery, especially those balancing motherhood and sobriety. Britney's story demonstrates how breaking free from addiction can transform not just one life, but generations to come.

Listeners will gain valuable perspectives on:

• Using self-care and mindfulness in recovery
• Communicating effectively with children about alcohol
• Finding sober support systems
• Embracing sobriety as a positive lifestyle choice

Whether you're a mother in recovery, considering sobriety, or simply interested in breaking generational patterns, this episode provides inspiration and actionable insights for living your best sober life.

Connect with Britney: Instagram: @Sober.sisters.events
Website: sobersisters.events.com

If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review, and share! Your support helps us reach more women on their journey to confident, fulfilling sobriety.

Transcript

Britney (00:00):

Yes, so thanks for having me first of all. I'm so excited. My story. Okay, so goes, I mean all the way back to the beginning really, I was born into a family that had two parents that grew up with addiction and abandonment and all of those things. And I think really from the start, addiction was going to find its way into my life one way or another. And I kind of just grew up seeing unhealthy coping mechanisms and definitely a lot of generational trauma that was passed down. My dad actually passed away when my sister and I were really young. And from there it was just like me and my sister and my mom and my mom suffered from her own addictions and had her own demons. She was battling, but I mean she tried her best with me and my sister, but ultimately we both ended up in the party scene at a very young age.

(01:12):

And my mom, I guess kind of was trying to be more friends with us than parents, so we didn't really have that authority in our life. We had a mom that would hang out and let us have parties at our house and all that stuff. So from a young age, we just thought it was so normalized to drink alcohol. And so I want to say I was probably 14 or 15 when I first discovered alcohol. And when I did, it was really like, oh wow, this kind of gives me an out, it gives me numbs all the pain and all the things I don't want to talk about, but it also kind of allowed me at the same time to have different conversations that I would never dare have when I was sober. So it kind of freed me and numbed me at the same time. So it was like a double-edged sword.

(02:13):

And really from there, on normal high school stuff, you're doing that every weekend and then you get to college and that ramps up. Yeah, I mean I really relied on alcohol for a lot of things just like social crutch and to make friends and to feel more comfortable and confident and all that stuff that you think it's giving you, it's all false, but that's what I was really dependent on. And then you get older and you kind of surround yourself with those same type of drinkers, those same type of people. So a lot of binge drinking. And many people, once I started, my guy just didn't have an off switch, and that's kind of the way it spiraled. But everyone around me, all my neighbors, all my other friends, we were all doing the same thing. So you don't really realize there's a problem. You don't really realize anything is going on until later on, after I started having children and kind of realizing I didn't want to perpetuate that same cycle that I grew up with and I wanted to create a more stable environment for my kids and just, I was never going to be the mom I wanted to be if I kept drinking the way that I always drank.

(03:44):

But I kind of had to come to that honest slap in the face realization before I made any changes. And now I am 20 months sober and life is beautiful, and parenting is definitely a lot easier now sober with a clear mind and just the patience and the presence is definitely there. And it's just a lot more, it's a wild ride still, don't get me wrong. I have three crazy kids, but it's a lot more enjoyable and a lot easier. So that's my story in a nutshell.

Shelby (04:24):

Thank you so much for sharing that, Brittany, and for being so vulnerable and honest with us. This is truly how it works. We spread the message of hope in recovery and my whole passion and mission in my life and my work is to normalize not drinking and to also help women learn how to thrive in long-term recovery. Because just because we got sober doesn't mean that we're well, and there's a lot of work to be done beyond that first year of early recovery and well beyond that. So congratulations on your 20 months. That's incredible. And you're definitely in that spot. You're past that kind of one year mark, and you're well into your second year now, and I would imagine doing a lot of the quote work, the sobriety work. So I'm curious you, is there something that you used to get and stay sober, like a program or something else that helped you or how did you do that?

Britney (05:28):

I didn't get into a program. I just didn't go that route for whatever reason. So when I first became sober, my sister was the only other person that I knew that was sober and I didn't really know what to do, but I am the type of person that I just jump in with both feet and everything, and I'm just like, all right, this is what I'm going to do. I've come to this decision. And at first I started just implementing small changes into my life. I would wake up earlier and try to meditate and drink hot lemon water and do yoga and all these things that were helping me mentally. And also just I felt physically better when I was doing those things. So those things, they were small steps, but they helped me immensely and I still do them to this day. And then something else that really helped me was quit lit literature on people who have become sober or recovery stories from other people.

(06:38):

I was just like, I want to know other people's stories and they really inspired me. But I did start, that was another thing that I implemented going to bed early and with my cup of tea and my books and those authors were my best friends, my lifeline early on, and I was just so inspired by all the stories that I was reading and just thought, these people can do this, I can do this. And just really, it was just started with small steps like that, and then eventually I was like, okay, I've kind of kept myself in a little bubble. And most people that are early on in sobriety, you don't really want to go to the same places or you don't want to hang out with the same people. You don't want to be triggered, you don't want to be pressured into anything, and you kind of just feel a little uncomfortable in your own skin. So kind of staging myself in the beginning and then eventually I was like, okay, I need to connect with people. And that's really been just so helpful to me. I actually started a company, like an event company called Sober Sisters Events geared towards the sober and recovery community. And because I just didn't know any other way to meet sober people, I just had no clue. I was like, is there a sober friend app? I don't know. How do you meet other sober people? I had no idea

(08:11):

Other than the online groups that I was a part of, I just did not know how to meet other sober moms or just anybody in real life. So I started it in hopes that it would be also my saving grace to meeting people. And it has been totally, and it was for me. So it was kind of selfish in a way because I was like, I need friends. But it's just helped me knowing that other people have a place to go where they can hang out and have fun and meet like-minded people. And we're all in a safe, inclusive space where we know alcohol is just not going to be present. It's not going to be the sole focus. It is at a lot of other places that you go. So it's just been a really great outlet and something positive in my life, and that kind of just also is more motivation for me to keep going and keep sharing my story.

Shelby (09:10):

That's amazing. I love that because sometimes the best way to help ourselves and to start something business or otherwise is to do what we didn't have or what we need. And it sounds like that's exactly what you did, which is that'd be awesome. So I'm curious about your kids. So how old are they?

Britney (09:35):

Eight, four, and three.

Shelby (09:37):

Okay.

Britney (09:38):

So yeah, the four and the 3-year-old are 11 months apart, so super close in age.

Shelby (09:43):

So your little one was only one when you got sober?

Britney (09:47):

Yep.

Shelby (09:48):

Yes.

Britney (09:49):

Okay.

Shelby (09:50):

So yeah, that

Britney (09:50):

Was, she will never know drinking Mommy.

Shelby (09:53):

Yay. Wow, that must be so nice. Like you mentioned, it's so different than the experience you had growing up.

Britney (10:02):

Yes, totally. Yeah. I grew up in an environment where first of all, I took care of my little sister a lot of the time and just tried to protect her and guide her. So a lot of my childhood was kind of taken away from me. I was put into more of a parenting role for her. And just you feel when you're in an environment where your parents drinking or doing whatever and they're out of control in different times, you just feel unsafe and it's not fun as a kid. You're scared, and I just never wanted my kids to have that on them. It was such a big burden and I didn't want them to have any of those worries. I just wanted them to be kids and enjoy their life and be able to make their own mistakes and grow and all of those things. So I'm just trying to create that safe space for them where they don't have any of those worries. That was definitely a lot as a kid, and for sure, a lot of that has played into who I am today, which is a lot of positives as well, but you don't always have to go the hard route to be strong and brave and all of those things. So it's really important to me to just give them that gift, which they don't even know the difference, which is also another beautiful thing.

Shelby (11:35):

Oh gosh, it is such a beautiful thing. And I think it's so, I mean, it's hard because that was your childhood, which I'm sure there was parts of that that were very, like you mentioned, sad and felt scary. And that's hard as an adult to look back and think that that's your experience. However, it is such a cool thing. I think very much when we are parents and we can see that direct difference between who we are as moms compared to how we were raised by our moms. And sometimes it's very dramatic in some families, maybe like yours, it's very dramatic and sometimes it's a little more subtle and it might just be like, oh, maybe you had a mom that wasn't really good at emotional support or validating and now you've worked really hard on healing your own trauma or whatever. And so now you can really be there for your kids to help them understand their emotions and let them be who they are and validate those experiences.

(12:44):

And then sometimes it's just much more dramatic and either way, I think it's such a great thing to know and to have that distinction about because oftentimes, and maybe you can relate to this, I know I can as moms, we feel like we're not doing a good job or I'm not a good mom, or I don't want to be like my mom, or I don't want my child to have that same feeling I had. And so if that is the case or when those times come up, I do think it probably happens to all of us at some point and some of us maybe a lot. We want to have that. We want to be able to understand how we're different. So being able to recognize that for you I think is so important for you to be able to be like, but I'm not like that. My children will never have to worry about my sobriety

Britney (13:39):

Or

Shelby (13:40):

My oldest child will never have to worry about taking care of the younger ones unless I've specifically asked them to. They're babysitting or there's a thing. And that's profound when we think about the generations. And so the interjection of your sobriety now has changed the entire trajectory of your generational line. Does that make sense?

Britney (14:09):

Yes.

Shelby (14:09):

Yeah.

Britney (14:11):

And it is powerful just to know that within yourself because I mean, every mom of course is going to question themselves and think they're not doing the best job really. I think that means that you are doing a great job if you're questioning yourself and saying to yourself, am I doing enough? Am I enough for them? Are they happy? Are they this? Are they that questioning those things means that you are a good mom, but you're always going to doubt yourself in times. And then you have that to lean back on, look at all the work I've done on myself, and this is definitely a positive influence in their life that's going to change the rest of their lives. So you may not get it right every day and you're always going to make mistakes, but definitely working on yourself in those ways and knowing that just gives you that much more confidence as a mom. And yeah, it's just like my mom's generation and her mom's generation, they weren't doing the work. They didn't know how to do that. They weren't given the proper tools, they didn't have the resources, and they were just kind of doing the best that they could with what they had. And it was no different for my parents or grandparents, but somewhere along the line, you have to break that generational trauma

(15:45):

And it's definitely hard to be a parent working on yourself at the same time trying to raise people, but it's so worth it because you're going to change the trajectory of their lives forever.

Shelby (16:00):

Yeah, no, I totally agree. It is challenging for sure and for a variety of reasons depending on your family and your community and whatever else is going on, but it's definitely worth it. There's always Ed Melad, he's a guber that I love so much. He's just so profound. And he always talks about, or maybe even, it wasn't even that coined the phrase, but he talks about it in every family is there is the one, the matrix, there's the one who kind of gets up and out who changes dramatically the trajectory of the family. And I don't think that we need to say that in a way that feels like we're better than or for some superhero or something. But I think it is a nice acknowledgement to be able to know that for yourself internally and also to use it as a drive forward. This is why I'm doing this.

(16:54):

So on your worst day when you're crying in your bathroom because you're completely depleted and you need help and you're just like want someone to be there and there's no one there, you can just remind yourself that, look, I'm the one doing this work. I'm the one showing up and I'm being sober and I'm doing this thing because I want my kids to have it a little different. And that I think is just a powerful tool and mantra or whatever to have in your toolbox to be able to pull out because I mean it is very taxing and it's exhausting. And not to mention also, I assume, I think you're married,

Britney (17:34):

Right? Yes.

Shelby (17:36):

Trying to maintain a marriage, you're trying to build a business. I mean, we're never doing anything in a vacuum, so we don't get to just parent these kids and not do anything else. You're always doing it with all of these other things around you. And so it's very taxing and we need to have those kind of reminders built inside of ourselves and that internal locus of control to be able to say, I'm okay. And that's the joy that you get to build when you stay sober over time. I'm curious, as we're talking, I'm thinking about it as you're starting to get really comfortable in your own sobriety and now your kids are a little bit older. As you think back to your ages, your age when you were their ages now and your mom, she was with you, I'm just curious if you've been able to, because you mentioned things like she always as teenagers, she kind of treated you like a friend. Are there some specific things that you can really see? What are you doing different? What are you noticing that you're doing or not doing? I guess with your kids or even maybe with your husband or just in your family

Britney (18:49):

Life? Yeah, I mean, first of all, I have boundaries with my children that are healthy boundaries and they know for sure there's a lot of love there, but there's also rules. And I'm not your best friend and that's not my job here. My job is to keep you safe and make sure you're a good human and we'll have fun in between.

(19:20):

And I didn't have rules or boundaries as a child. I didn't know where that line was so I could, was actually semi good kid. I drank early and all of that stuff, but I was kind of like a rule follower and I was just like, lucky you mom. She didn't give me any rules or anything. I could have gone anywhere, done anything anytime with whoever and gotten into a lot more trouble than I actually did. But yeah, just rules and boundaries. And then also my mom had just a hard time with, we definitely knew we were loved and we were told a lot that we were loved, but as far as hard conversations or about our emotions, we didn't have that at all. My mom had a hot button and it would be anger and explosive and we wouldn't have any follow-up conversations to any of those things.

(20:29):

So we didn't really, that can go one of two ways. I think that you either learn to use anger as your main emotion or you just shut down in certain situations. And I definitely would learn from that just to shut down. And so I didn't know to handle my emotions or tap into them or express them. And as an adult, that still is the number one thing that I'm working on through therapy and other things, just being able to say and articulate how I feel and knowing that that's okay to do that. We weren't taught that. So I'm trying to also while healing myself and learning how to do that myself, leaving it open for my children to express how they feel without being criticized or reprimanded for that. So the emotional maturity and awareness that they have is completely different than where I was when I was a kid. Those are just a couple things that are different. There are a lot of differences in my parenting style versus my mom's that could go on and on, honestly.

Shelby (21:43):

I mean, I can totally imagine that there are. I'm curious if you could say more about the emotional piece specifically with your kids. How is that playing out? I love this part and I think it's more valuable than we could possibly say with words. And really you won't know until your kids are a little bit older. And I can speak

Britney (22:04):

To

Shelby (22:04):

Some of the results because my kids are a lot older than yours and I'm starting to see some of the fruits of our labor. We have a ways to go, but there are definitely some of it there. And so I'm curious, what are you specifically doing differently you with your parents and what are you teaching your kids and how are they responding?

Britney (22:30):

Yeah, I think one of the main things that I try to make a point to do is if I've had a bad day and I am irritated or short with them or extra snappy or whatever it may be, we all have those days, then I come back around to them and just really apologize and say, I'm just a human. I'm not perfect. None of us are. We all have these emotions and it's okay to have them and apologizing if I raise my voice or whatever it may be. And I never as a child got an apology for anything. So that was not a normal thing to hear an adult apologized to a child was not a thing. So I think just admitting that we all make mistakes I was wrong and humanizing that in a way that they know that it's a safe space for them to make mistakes in all of that too.

(23:29):

And I have a really open dialogue with them and I see them coming to me, especially my 8-year-old now. He's just becoming a lot more aware and all of those things that happen as you get older, he just feels really comfortable coming to me and having open honest conversations about anything, whether it be things that are happening at school or a way that I made him feel or any of those things. He feels really safe to come to me and have those conversations. So I know something is working there with creating that kind of open forum with him and being vulnerable with him. He feels safe to do the same so I can already see it paying off in that way as a child. I just kept all of my emotions inside and I never talked about them and he definitely doesn't do that now. That could just be more of his personality to be outward and communicative and all of those things. But I love that he feels safe enough in our relationship to do that. So yeah, I just am going to continue to have that open dialogue with them and just being honest about how I'm feeling and letting them know it's okay for them to have emotions and bad days and all of that stuff too.

Shelby (24:52):

Yeah. Oh my gosh, that's so beautiful. I love that. And I totally understand and relate to that experience not having, never having an apology. I was raised by parents. My parents are definitely baby boomers who are not into validating feelings or apologizing to children for sure. And I remember that experience with my oldest one for sure. It was very humbling for me to have to be go to her and do that. And I did not like that personally. I just did not like that at all because like I said, I was raised by kind of like my mom was in charge, she was the authority. I'm the mom, this is what it is, and there's nothing really wrong with that. But yes, that circle back experience, being able to come back and say, I really shouldn't have treated you like that, or I shouldn't have spoken that way.

(25:50):

For me, it was very challenging in the beginning, but then it became more, I'm not saying it was easy, but it became more routine with time to be able to just be like, man, totally messed up. And I love it too because it's just modeling all that is, yes, we're doing the right thing, but we're also modeling for them. This is how this works. When you mess up, you circle back and you own it and you just say, Hey, look, I did that wrong. I'm super sorry, will you forgive me? Or whatever you say. And it also kind of creates, I feel like almost like a safety net feeling of we're okay, it's okay because we can always come back around. There's nothing we do necessarily is permanent, permanent damage. Yes, our words matter. Yes, we can hurt people and they won't forget it, but we can't always come back and do the right thing. And

Britney (26:48):

We always come back to a place of love and understanding no matter what. We're always going to have each other's back, we're always going to be here for each other, but we're going to screw up and make mistakes along the way. And for me too, same thing that you said, it was painful to have to do that in the beginning. No, because I never saw anybody apologize like that or own what they had done or take accountability. So when it came time, and I still struggle with it even in my marriage and stuff like that, admitting, okay, I'm wrong, and let me just, I have to say that it's like gritting my teeth saying it, I'm sorry. But yeah, the more you do it, it's like any other skill. The more you do it, the more comfortable you feel. And then yeah, you're just modeling that same thing to your children. So

Shelby (27:47):

It is amazing. It's tough,

Britney (27:48):

But

Shelby (27:48):

It is tough, but it does, and we shouldn't just be doing it all the time, either women get a bad rap for constantly saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that we don't want to be like that either. We do still want to establish ourselves as a leader in our family, and so hopefully aren't doing things that need to be apologized for that often. The other thing that I think is really important that I definitely want to make sure we talk about and recognize is I love how you talked about healthy boundaries, Andres, and that is such an important phenomenon. I think that in our coming up years and then also in our own lives, specifically in our sobriety and then also in our parenting, but it doesn't get, depending on who you are, where you came from, it doesn't get shown to us very well.

(28:39):

I think that we've come into a better, in my opinion, we've come into a better understanding of this thing in the last couple of generations, and I'm starting to do this better and better, and it's becoming much more of mainstream language call rules, call it whatever expectations, whatever words you want to use, but truly what it means is creating healthy boundaries. And the sooner that we can start to do this with our kids, even from the baby stuff and everybody's different. I don't even know what the rules are now because my youngest is almost 17, but they change all the time, but everyone's a little different around, for example, maybe if you're a nursing mom, does the baby co-sleep with you or do you let the baby cry it out? Are you weaning the baby? Are they doing it? Everyone has different kind of ways of that, and that's not my business, that's for you to decide, but whatever that is, when you decide, Hey, this is how we do this in our family, that's creating a boundary.

(29:40):

And so you're basically teaching everybody in your family, including your partner and yourself, this is how our family does this and our family, we value dinner time, so we sit down as a family and we eat dinner at this time every night because that's something that we value or we really value honoring and respecting our sleep. So our sleep routines are very, in our family, they were very rigid. We never deviated from it. Very rarely that was it. We held the line on the sleep routines because it was so important for me, for all of us to get our quality sleep, including most especially those

Britney (30:22):

Kids. Yes.

Shelby (30:24):

So we're just modeling for them that this is the way of the world, unless you're, I don't know, somebody who's just some free spirit living on an island somewhere or whatever. Everybody has constraints of things like a job or time. We all have

Britney (30:47):

Schedules,

Shelby (30:48):

Constraints of money, constraints of things. And so it's not to say that one is better, worse, bad or whatever, and everybody has to do what's best for them. But to teach these things early on is so critical. And it starts literally from the beginning of their lives. You're teaching them how you want them, how to live in your family, and when you're a healthy family like yours, you, you're modeling for them what the real world looks like. And this becomes so critical as they get a little bit older. Now you have at least one, I think now that's school age. So when you start to get into school, you're even more in a real world situation now you're on the school day schedule, you have to listen to teacher, this is the rhythm of the day. And if your child can't function in short of a lot of reasons why somebody couldn't do that, but if you can't function in the rhythm of the day like that and kind of abide by those boundaries, it's going to be really tough for them as they get a little older and start merging into adolescents and then beyond to be able to be productive and healthy adults.

Britney (32:02):

Yeah, it starts so early. It does. And you can really see the difference between, I mean, everybody has different rules and everybody has what they do and what they value is different from one family to another. But implementing those things early on, that is what your child thinks is normal. That's what is normalized to them. So those schedules or whatever that you're doing that carries on into just what they think is normal to them and their life, they're going to carry that throughout their whole life. So I mean, that's kind of what I hope is happening with my sobriety. And my 8-year-old is old enough to know what's going on, and he knows I'm sober, he knows I don't drink, but he can see other families where parents are drinking in front of their kids, and he said, that would scare me if that was happening. So he can see the difference, and I just hope you can only hope that they're seeing what you're doing and seeing how that is playing a positive impact in your life. And then hope that they model those same behaviors. And he says it to me now as an 8-year-old, I'm going to be sober when I grow up mom. And I'm like, I love that for you. I really hope that for you. But obviously things change, kids experiment, all of those good things. But if you are not normalizing it

(33:43):

In your house and it's not a part of your everyday life, then they're going to get used to that same thing and that same way of life, just like the dinner times and the bedtimes and I don't know, do you let them drink soda or whatever? It's the same. Yeah, it all is impacting them.

Shelby (34:06):

Totally agree. And so what you're doing is you're modeling for them what your values are. You're starting, those words aren't used. We're not sitting here saying, most people aren't sitting around saying, this is our family value. Some people might be, I mean, I

Britney (34:20):

Hate

Shelby (34:20):

Everything to use those words, but you're modeling for them what your values are. So as they're coming up, they're like, and certainly later as an adult, they'll be like, oh, and our family time was a big value, or church was a really important value. Spirituality was a value or travel or education. Our parents put a ton of money into our education and they really valued that. I made a lot of sacrifices for that. So they're seeing that. So you're modeling all of that behavior and then yes, normalizing that. Drinking I think is just a beautiful experience for us because we live in a society that's still obsessed with drinking and smoking weed and all the things now. And so no matter what as sober people doing sober things, and even if the people around you aren't doing it in your home, you're modeling, normalizing, not drinking, and you're also modeling like, oh, I think about this all the time. I go out, we take our kids to concerts, probably two big concerts a year or one at least. And we've been doing that since they were little kids. And I mean maybe not every single year, but a lot most years. And I go to concerts and festivals. I've been to jazz fest in New Orleans twice. I wouldn't recommend it necessarily, but I have done that. It's all, I never need to go there again. But I did that as a sober person. I don't need to drink to have fun.

(35:43):

However, we do live in a world that's still obsessed with alcohol, and so the young people are going to be exposed to that. And so coming up, I was like, oh, my kid, I was obsessed with educating my children. They were raised in a mostly sober home most of their lives until my husband started drinking again, he's not an alcoholic, but he didn't really drink for a long time, and the rest of my family drinks a lot. So they were rounded a lot and couldn't be exposed, but they were mostly raised in a home without a lot of drinking or any, yet they still make their own choices. And so they educated them and we talk about it and we constant, so during adolescence, it becomes such a challenge and you're not there yet, but you can start to think about it. And I would encourage you to start thinking about what are those boundaries going to be in your family?

(36:35):

What is your tolerance level going to be? And for me, that's when a lot of the emotional part of parenting came in, like I said to you, gets very different. The taxation and emotion and exhaustion of the years you're in right now is just insane. It's exhausting physically, so challenging. And then once I get to school, all of 'em so great. You're like, oh, this is fun. But then the driving, which I loved every minute of it, but it was so, it's so taxing. There's just a lot involved, but it's very fun. But then the emotional piece really comes in or did for me anyway, once they got to be middle school. And then towards high school when we're facing some of these challenges around what are we doing about drugs and alcohol driving, cell phones, social media, all of these kind of big things. And you'll have to decide what is your tolerance level. And I had to do that too. And we had the rules and they do it their own way. And for me, that experience has been very, very challenging and a variety of different ways and has challenged my own, not my sobriety, but my own wellness, my own I guess mental health or whatever in ways that I guess I just wasn't expecting. But they did know. They knew where we stood. We don't allow that. However, I know that where they're going, they're doing that. And so that's really hard too, because you're like, and some parents maybe do clamp down and they did a part of the nu and they're like, well, then you're not going there or you're not doing that, or whatever. And

(38:27):

We weren't those. I just knew that the risks of doing that for me were probably greater. So I had to let go of some of this idea that I could control that they're

Britney (38:42):

Going to do what they want to do

Shelby (38:45):

And they do do what they want to do, and they do drink and they do whatever, and that is their choice. And hopefully they don't have a problem. And we talk about it a lot. But that was challenging. That was challenging. In those years when you're still in control of them before they graduate high school, you're still in charge of them and what are you going to do in your family?

Britney (39:07):

But even I think it's what you just said, even having those conversations about addiction and how this can all play out and you're living proof of it. So whereas a lot of other teenagers might not have that example in their family, I certainly did not. Growing up, I thought that it was so normal to drink at a young age and have parties. We were the party house, we were the ones doing it, and that was normal. So I was drinking at a young age just because I didn't have any rules or boundaries on me. So I think that when you grow up in a house like that, you're more likely to develop a problem because you're starting so much earlier than other kids are, or you're doing it more often. And that just leads to a dependency on that, whether it's mental or physical or both, that just becomes normal to you. So I'm definitely, I mean, my kids are eight, four and three, but I'm already thinking about those things and what kind of house this is going to look like and what our rules are going to be. And obviously I'm not blind to the fact that their own people and they're going to make those decisions, but you just have to kind of let them do their thing. Just hope that you've taught them enough and

Shelby (40:37):

Be the best when you get to the other. What I love about the younger ages where where you are is they are still super innocent. They haven't reached any of that prepubescent stuff yet where they're really questioning authority and starting to push back. But you get to lay that foundation. You're just layering on, again, they're seeing you not drink, they're seeing the way you're running your family, they're seeing the way you speak to other people, the language you use. Are you out on the streets with the other moms, gossiping about the other kids or the other mom? Are you out there with your, you don't have your little glitter cup with the straws that all the other mommies have that have vodka and whatever else in them. And they conceal all that, which is so great. And then as they start to emerge. But one of the things around influence, I think the other thing is we're talking about a lot is influence is continuously out. And a lot of this has to do between you and your husband. What are our values as a family? There's a really good book, I'll plug it. It's called Strong Father Strong Daughters. I don't know if you have any girls.

(41:46):

I would highly recommend your husband. My mom gave it to all of the son-in-laws several years ago for a Father's Day gift. And it's written by a female pediatrician. It's excellent. And it goes through all of her work with adolescent girls in her practice and what she consistently heard, and she talks about this very thing, you better darn well get with your husband and be clear on what is our rule about this? All the things we're talking about early on, because in five seconds it starts to switch over and then all of a sudden it's coming into your world when you're like, but she's only in sixth grade. And you're

Britney (42:22):

Like,

Shelby (42:23):

Why are we dealing with it? So it was really great because it just gets your juices flying and you're like, maybe you didn't realize that your partner actually wasn't in the same line with you. And so that's the other part of this parenting thing. And a clear mind and a sober life helps a lot too, because when you're firing on all cylinders, the two of you can have those difficult conversations that might actually bring up a little bit of conflict. If one person is kind of like, well, I don't agree with that, or I don't think they should have that, and how do you have to get in alignment? And so the more that you guys are doing that, the better off your kids will be. Because even if you disagree, you can probably do that privately and come together to them in agreement. And then you can start saying things that is in accordance to those rules slash value slash boundaries. When you go off to middle school and mommy's working, you're going to come home from school and you'll get your sister off the bus or whatever. When mom goes

Britney (43:21):

Renting those

Shelby (43:22):

Seeds, you start to use that kind of language when you graduate from high school and you go to college if that's your thing and you go right to work or whatever. And we say all the time when you graduate college and get your own apartment and you do this, this, this and that, when you buy your own car, we start, we know obviously things are not things happen, but we set up a lot of that stuff from very, just with the language you used when you're 16 and you get your license, we expect that you'll be working so you can pay for your insurance. That stuff starts from a really young age and the clarity you have today and with your partner lets you be able to give that to them. Just such

Britney (44:05):

A blessing. Yeah, I mean with my 8-year-old, which is crazy that with an 8-year-old, you have to have these conversations, but we talk about the social media and the phone thing already because a lot of his friends are already getting cell phones and all of that stuff. And I'm like, hard. No, we're not doing any of that. But so I'm like lyric, when you start to drive, when you have friends that you're riding with, that's when you can get a phone. And that's going to be our hard rule.

Shelby (44:38):

And then you can establish all that when you have our phone, whatever your rules are, when you have a cell phone, it's going to be a community thing. If this is what you want, we are going to be kind of monitoring that until we get to trust you every time. And a lot of that starts with where you are now, things that are so simple when you get home from school, I expect that you're going to look in your folder and know what your work is and get going on it. That's not my job to do

Britney (45:06):

That. That's

Shelby (45:07):

Your job. But so many people I feel like kind of miss. They miss the mark on a lot of that. And then suddenly you have a 13-year-old that doesn't know how to,

Britney (45:16):

And you're trying to backpedal and you're like, oh

Shelby (45:18):

No. Yeah, it starts now.

Britney (45:20):

You have to set those expectations early on, and they might not always like it, but I really think that kids thrive on consistency and knowing what's expected of them and what's going to happen that actually makes them feel really safe. So having those things that they can rely on, whether they like them or not, I think it actually is a really positive thing for them. So having those conversations and setting those expectations early, even if it's years down the road, then there's no surprises and everybody's on the same page. And I think it's really, really, yeah, you

Shelby (46:03):

Can always refer back to it. So it always gives you something to say. This is, I'm sure you've already heard this a little bit when they were saying, well, at Johnny's house we get to play video games all night long. When I spend the night there or when I go there, I get to eat Rice Krispie treats for dinner or, so you're already starting to say, in our family, in our family, in our home, this is how we do it.

Britney (46:25):

So

Shelby (46:26):

You're setting

Britney (46:26):

That all up. The thing that I say is different houses, different rules constantly. That's

Shelby (46:31):

My go-to thing. Exactly.

(46:33):

So I'm curious a little bit more on the emotional piece of things as it relates to your sobriety, because you are still kind of just learning this, even though it's been 20 months, it's still kind of a newish experience. And also I would imagine socially, like you mentioned, it is been a challenge. Your group was drinkers and things, but when ions of parenting come up, there are a lot, even with the younger ones, whether it's them dealing with a particular problem or whether it's just the mental exhaustion of just parenting kids of that age, or maybe there's a health concern or some kind of issue going on with one of the kids. When those emotional experiences come up for you around parenting, what is working for you these days? How do you handle that today? I mean, you're not drinking and driving, so what are you doing?

Britney (47:23):

Yeah, I mean really it comes back to those things that I implemented. I'm a really big fan of deep breathing these days. Okay, breath work. Yeah, a lot of breath work. The meditation, honestly, if I don't do it in the morning, I can feel the difference all day long. I'm just more short tempered and don't have as much patience with not only my kids, but just with anything in general. I'm just more quick to get irritated. And I guess just a big thing for me now that I didn't do in the past is self-care, and that can be anything. But one big thing is just once a month I go out to dinner with my girlfriends, and you need that time with like-minded people, friends, moms that know exactly where you're coming from. They're going through the same exact things at the same time. Having those relationships and really leaning on other people is really important. I used to not have a core group of people that I could go to with issues that I was having or whatever. And just being able to have people that you can rely on to unload all of that on,

(48:49):

And they have great feedback for you, or just simply they're just listening to you, that's so important. So doing that, taking time for myself is actually really beneficial for me as a parent and my kids.

Shelby (49:06):

Absolutely. So I'm curious about your business because you've been sober, now you've got the clarity of mind, your fog is lifted, and you had this brilliant idea to create a community for yourself, but also for other sober women. So can you tell us a little bit about what that looks like and how it works?

Britney (49:28):

Yeah, so I mean, I really just wanted to create a space for, and it can be really anybody. So it's geared towards the sobering recovery community to give them a space. But I say it's for the sober, the Curious, or just really people who want to take a night off of drinking and they can come to our events. They are based in, I'm in the suburbs, Indian Land, South Carolina, but it's right outside of Charlotte, North Carolina. So a lot of the events take place there. Or I try to spread 'em around as much as I can so that people in different areas can come and enjoy them too. But we really do anything and everything that is considered real life fun. We just have a good time. We have done roller skating events. We've done kombucha tasting and yoga events. We have a coffee tasting coming up.

(50:30):

We had a pool party event. And I love just meeting new people and seeing new faces come. It's more and more people are coming and it is hard to get out of your comfort zone, put yourself out there and introduce yourself to new people. It's so hard, but that's kind of the point of the whole thing, right? Yeah. And I, I love when a person comes to one of my events and says, I'm not sober, but I'm sick of just doing the same things over and over are going to the same bars. And where everything is just so focused on the alcohol itself. It's like, what are we even doing? What is fun anymore? So I just love to do things where we can just get to know each other and laugh and have a good old time and lean into our childlike wonder and be silly. And it's been awesome. It's been so much fun getting to meet everybody and bringing new people together every time.

Shelby (51:34):

Okay, that's amazing. I just love that. And there's so many women who are doing such incredible work. I know another woman, she was on the podcast before we took our little summer break and I could link you guys up. Actually, she runs a similar, she wanted to create community as well, and so she created, I guess an event business where they do a ton of stuff, very, very similar, but she also has connections with the non-alcoholic drink companies. So she does a lot of fat stuff. So she brings the bar to the events, which is, yeah, I

Britney (52:13):

Love that.

Shelby (52:13):

Pretty awesome. And I just know there's so many women that are doing this kind of work because we know that lots of people aren't drinking anymore for a variety of reasons. Some of them are like us. They're problematic drinkers. Some of them are just for a health reason. Some of them just know now that it's poison and that nobody should drink alcohol. It's literally not healthy for anybody. And so that's why the non-alcoholic drink space is exploding out of control, and these younger people aren't drinking either. So I love what you're doing and I think it's just such a necessary thing for us to continue to normalize not drinking. So thank you so much for your work, and thank you for being here. I really appreciate your time

Britney (52:55):

And your

Shelby (52:55):

Talent. Where do you like people to connect with you if they want to reach out?

Britney (52:59):

My Instagram is a great place for people to come, and I post all my events on there. They're also linked through my link tree on there. So that's Sober dot sisters events on Instagram, but I'm also on Facebook and LinkedIn, and I have a website, sober sisters events.com. Yeah, and you message me and I will for sure get right back to you because I love chatting and connecting with anybody and everybody.

Shelby (53:27):

Awesome. I'll make sure I link that in the show notes below. So thank you again so much for being here with us and sharing your story. Thank you. And I'll look forward to our world's crossing again soon.

Britney (53:37):

Yes, thank you, Shelby. I.